Extreme Parental Guidance: what we learned - At Home Magazine

little girl_being_naughty_18_10_12Are your misbehaving mites driving you crazy? In her most recent show, Jo Frost revealed how to deal with common parenting problems

From violent six-year-old Jack and superhero-obsessed George to fussy eater Max and frustrated Trenyce, series two of Extreme Parental Guidance saw our guest editor, Jo Frost, up against it. Tackling the behavioural issues of children with severe ? and sometimes dangerous ? conducts, she has helped distraught, distressed parents triumph over adversity, putting practical steps into place to change their lives, and their children?s, for good. Find out which lessons you can learn from Jo?s extreme parental guidance.

Is your child a problem eater?

Dinner time can prove a battlefield for families, from fussy-eating to overeating, getting your children into a healthy routine when they are young is imperative, but this is often easier said than done. In episode two, Jo met nine-year-old Max whose sole food intake revolved around custard cream biscuits. Having never eaten a vegetable or a hot meal, Max?s mum, Joanne, was, understandably, at the end of her tether. Despite introducing reward charts, games and family eating into the mix, Max would refuse to eat anything but his beloved biscuits. Similarly, five-year-old Oliver who featured in episode six had a taste for sweets and sugary foods ? including biscuits and crisps ? but, rather alarmingly, would binge on them at the crack of dawn. His sneaky eating would wake up the entire family, leaving parents Corinne and Chris sleep deprived. As well as unruly eating habits, Corinne and Chris were concerned about Oliver?s safety, too: with him often wandering around the kitchen alone, where he could easily fall or hurt himself on knives or scissors.

What Jo suggests...

? Restrict or disallow snacks: ?If your child, like Max, is guilty of snacking in between meals and then refusing to eat a proper dinner, cutting out snacks altogether will ensure he has an appetite at dinnertime. Or otherwise, restrict snacking: make sure the children understand it?s a rare treat (and should be treated as this, don?t give in to them!) ? try creating a specific snack box, for example.?

? Hold your ground: ?It can be tempting ? and easier ? to give into your children?s demands, but this allows them to take control of the situation. Don?t let them leave the table until they?ve eaten a certain amount. Give them small portions of what everyone else has to help include them in a food routine.?

Is your child violent towards you?

Violence is something that Jo witnessed again and again in the families she visited during the series. Six-year-old Jack in episode one, for instance, would regularly begin battles come bedtime, shouting, throwing things, biting and scratching both his mum, Nikkie, and his younger sister, Phoebe. And he wasn?t much better in the daytime either!

Similarly, 11-year-old Josh, in episode six, struggled with parental authority, and lashed back both verbally and physically at his father, Buster. It wasn?t just his mum and dad that bore the brunt of his aggressive attacks. His brother, Cameron, and sister, Neve, were also victims of his unruly, disruptive behaviour. As was the case for Corey, aged five, in episode five, who had a bad temper and had already winded his six-year-old sister, Alanyss, and given her a nosebleed, too. It wasn?t only the boys throwing temper tantrums, however. In episode three, Madison, youngest daughter of Sharon and Jason, constantly put her parents under fire of her rages, which involved screaming, fighting and throwing. She was also guilty of misbehaving during school, too, and attempting to play her separated parents off against each other.

What Jo suggests...

? Break the cycle: ?Putting an end to your child?s aggressive behaviour requires assertiveness. It?s essential to make it crystal clear to them that violence is in no way tolerated and by doing this, you can begin to break the cycle of bad behaviour. Clear, direct instructions (and rules) will ensure that there are no grey areas and no room for manoeuvre ? always speak in an authoritative tone so the children know exactly who is in control at all times.?

? Consistency: ?This is another crucial aspect of curbing violence. Parents need to work together and agree on consistent rules, otherwise your children will try and play you off against one another.?

? Sustain rules: ?Implementing strict rules and guidelines and making a great attempt at sticking to them is essential for tackling violent behaviour. If children break them, they need to be punished accordingly. It?s not a rule unless you enforce it consistently and prove that there are consequences to misbehaviour. Doing this will create mutual respect between you.?

? Show encouragement: ?Building up your relationship with your child and showing a genuine interest in him can help encourage good behaviour and minimise aggression. Listen to what he has to say, as well as expecting him to pay attention to you. Encourage your child to take up a new hobby, one which you can share and enjoy with him.??By offering support and praise when your child is doing well, you will spur him on to behave well.?

Does your child have an obsession?

Naturally, many children develop a fondness for a certain toy or TV programme, but what do you do if this fondness turns to obsession? This was the case in episode one with five-year-old George whose fascination with superheroes had escalated into an unhealthy obsession. His parents, Kelly and Simon, were concerned that he was struggling to differentiate between reality and fantasy; something which may have been triggered by the attention being paid to his ill younger sister, Maddie, with him searching for an escape. And so, giving George enough attention, while of course catering to Maddie?s needs, was something that Kelly and Simon needed Jo?s help with...

What Jo suggests...

? Understand your children?s needs: ?Identifying the needs of your children, no matter how different, is essential. Although one may take up more of your time than the other, you need to ensure that they both enjoy dedicated time with you.?

? Create a rota: ?In order to free-up time you perhaps didn?t realise you had, try devising a routine or rota for day-to-day activities ? from chores to bathtimes ? this will help you find gaps in your day to spend extra time with your kids.?

Is your child being bullied?

Being bullied at school can manifest in children?s home-life behaviour in a number of ways. Some retreat into solitude and stop communicating, whereas others ? like seven-year-old Trenyce, in episode two ? become aggressive at home taking out their frustration on their loved ones. Her mum, Sheryl, and younger brother, Tristen, were often the victims of her temper tantrums, and Trenyce had even started to scratch herself and cut-up her own clothes as an outlet for her aggression.

What Jo suggests...

? Talk about it: ?Chances are your child feels quite isolated, and having someone to talk to, and whom she trusts, will help her deal with her feelings rather than letting them build up inside her. Help her believe in herself, regardless of what the bullies may say to her, by building up her self-confidence.?

? Encourage her to find friends: ?If it?s a so-called friend that is doing the bullying, then encourage her to find a new group of people to spend time with. Get her to increase her circle of friends, as this will then help to boost her self-esteem while also warding off the bullies (who are much less likely to approach a larger group of people).?

Is your child a troubled sleeper?

Problem sleepers such as episode three?s six-year-old Layla, can make bedtime a nightmare for the whole family ? especially mum and dad. Due to her fear of the dark, and her bedroom, Layla would cry until she could sleep in her parent?s room, and would then be followed by two-year-old Melisa who didn?t want to miss out on some family time. Combined with the fact four-month-old Aden was already with mum and dad for night feeds, it would result in the entire family piled into one bed, resulting in a sleep-deprived mum and dad.

What Jo suggests...

? Create distance: ?Introduce periods of separation during the day ? such as when the children are playing ? to help them understand nothing bad will happen when you?re not present, and make sure they don?t have separation anxiety.?

? Introduce a sleeping routine: ?Creating a technique that you stick to will inject some much-needed structure into bedtimes, and allow the children to accept sleeping separately as part of their daily routine. Following through with this is essential though, as slipping back into bad habits will undermine all your hard work.?

Does your child have a nasty habit?

Episode four introduced Jo to Grace, a three-year-old who scratched and picked her face until it was painfully raw and bleeding. Grace persistently sucked her thumb, too. This caused her mum, Sue, to become concerned over the permanent damage she was potentially doing to her face. It?s not only Grace that?s got into bad habits though, her seven-year-old sister, Ella, also sucked her fingers ? which itself would start a chain reaction and start Grace thumb-sucking and face-picking. Despite putting Grace?s hands in mittens and using plasters to cover her sores, her parents were despairing at this damaging behaviour.

What Jo suggests...

? Relax: ?Grace?s habit may be extreme, but bad habits are very common in children as they grow up, with 60% of five- to 10-year-olds biting their nails, and 15% of four-year-olds still sucking their thumb. The majority of kids grow out of bad habits, however.?

? Talk it through: ?When your child exhibits a bad habit, simply ask her to stop it and explain why it?s not very nice. Nagging her may make the problem worse, so ask her why it is she does it, and if something?s worrying her (as it may be some kind of anxiety that triggers the habit, so be aware of it).?

Is your child rebelling against a step-parent?

Conflicting parenting styles can often show in children?s behaviour. If kids don?t witness a united front, they begin to play up and play parents off against each other. This was the case with 11-year-old Jack, Chloe, aged six and Demi, four, in episode five, whose mum, Maria, and stepdad, Scott, would constantly argue over how to parent the kids. Scott believed that Maria was pandering to the children a lot, cooking them multiple meals so that they were all happy, and tolerating all of their bad behaviour. And although the three kids viewed Maria?s warnings as empty threats, they would equally pull apart Scott?s more disciplined approach, calling him names and highlighting that he wasn?t their real dad. Which of course, created divisions and friction within the family. In addition, Jack felt that his mum spent all her time with Scott or the girls, causing him to retreat into his room and play on his games console alone.

What Jo suggests...

? Don?t rush: ?Introducing a new partner needs to be a slow and steady process and shouldn?t be taken lightly. Having a potential step-parent gradually become more involved with family activities will give the children time to adapt.?

? Make room for the kids: ?It can be easy to get distracted when a new partner is introduced into the family. But remember, it?s not only you that they?re committing to, it?s also your children ? so, building a relationship with them is crucial.?

? Show consistency: ?Dual discipline can be tricky, especially with a step parent involved, so make sure you share all your techniques and values for dealing with any sort of misbehaviour so the children don?t think there are two separate rules for everything. Doing this gradually will allow everyone to settle into the new family dynamic.?


Picture credit: Shutterstock


The above feature was
published in at home's
'Parenting with Jo Frost'
July 2012.

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Source: http://www.athomemagazine.co.uk/more-celeb/jo-frost/6148-extreme-parental-guidance-what-we-learned

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